Game of Thrones
Season Two, Episode 2
Original Airdate: 4/8/2012
The Night Lands

Brought to you by OBS reviewer Nakeesha J. Seneb

We open on Arya, now called Ary. She’s on the King’s Road heading to the Night’s Watch. Troops arrive with a royal warrant. Ary, who is standing next to Gendry, dips down and out of sight. The Night Watchman, Yoren, isn’t very acquiescing to the troops and sends them packing. Before they depart they announce who they’re looking for and the price on that person’s head. It’s Gendry.

In King’s Landing, Tyrion is arriving home from a long, hard day of counciling. There’s the sound of feminine giggles coming from behind the door. Tyrion busts in and finds Shae with the Eunuch, Lord Varys. Tyrion knows better to relax as he realizes Varys has seduced many of his secrets from the unsuspecting Shae. To follow is some of the greatest word play about fishing and a Eunuch’s “allergies” to the foul delicacy! On the way out, Tyrion cautions Varys that, unlike Ned Stark, he knows how this game is played. Varys doesn’t scare well and tells Tyrion that, while big fish go on eating little fish, he keeps on paddling up stream.

The Queen reviews and then tears up Rob’s treaty and sends the envoy back. A raven has arrived from Lord Mormont, Commander of the Night’s Watch. Mormont tells of the attack by the dead man in his chamber. Cersei doesn’t take it seriously, only Tyrion is paying attention to the warning.

On the far side of the wall, Sam can’t keep his eyes off Craster’s daughter-wives. He saves one from Ghost, Jon’s wolf, and she then begs him a favor. Sam turns to Jon. The girl, Gilly, is pregnant and wants to run away. She fears for her child’s life, especially if it’s a boy. What happens to the boys, Jon asks? But she won’t answer.

In the desert a riderless horse approaches Daenerys and her broken people. The horse carries the head of its rider in its satchel. It was Rakharo. As a scream rips through the dry air, it looks like all hope is lost for the Khaleesi.

In King’s Landing, Tryrion is entertaining Lord Slynt of the City Watch. Tyrion is chatting up the head of the City Watch about Slynt’s exploits: turning on his predecessor, Ned Stark, and recently killing babies. Slynt quickly tires of the veiled insults and begins tossing around some of his own, like imp and dwarf. Wrong move, buddy. With the help of Braun, Tryion outs Slynt and makes Braun the new head of the Watch. Tyrion soon wonders if Braun  is only slightly better in morals than Slynt.

Theon has arrived in the lands of his ancestors; the Iron Lands. A gruff looking lass offers him a ride to the castle. He accepts with a leer, that turns into fondling once they’re on horseback. He invites her to stay for the night at the castle. She raises an eyebrow at the offer and allows the fondling. Once at the castle, Balon Greyjoy is not impressed with the man his son has become. Baylon is more appalled at the boy’s manner of dress than he is interested in the proposal being set before him. The girl enters. Theon has been gone for nine years and it takes him a moment to recognize her. Its Yara. His…sister! EW! GROSS! Hang on, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Baylon and Yara are not interested in fighting Rob’s enemies and then being given their property to rule. They’re prepared to take it back themselves.

Davos is on a sea shore making a deal with a Moorish pirate. The pirate has thirty ships and he will employ them for Stannis’ war if they will give him Cersei to fuck. Davos’ son, Mattho, is appalled. The pirate, Salladhor Saan, assures the young man that there is a difference between raping and fucking a woman. With that deal brokered, Davos prepares to fight another battle, this one with his son who wants his father to convert to the light religion Stannis has embraced. His father has no interests in gods. In the end, Davos asserts that Stannis is his god.

Back at King’s Landing, Tyrion and Cersei are having a heart to heart. When questioned, Cersei doesn’t deny she slaughtered the babies. In fact, she says nothing at all. Tyrion realizes it wasn’t his sister who gave the order, it was his nephew. The boy is truly beyond control. Cersei lashes back cruelly at her brother. Reminding him that he was the babe that caused their mother to die during childbirth. And now, he is the reason they lost Jamie.

At Dragonstone, Melisandra tells Stannis that the only way to win the war is to give himself over to the Lord of Light. To do this, well, she and he have to copulate. Melisandre promises him the victory as well as the son his sickly wife has never been able to give him. He resists for all of a moment, until her boobs come out.

At Caster’s stronghold beyond the Wall, Jon sees the patriarch running off into the woods with a babe in his arms. Jon follows and witnesses the man laying the infant out in the cold at the edge of the forest. A figure just out of eyesight, picks up the baby. When Jon stands to follow, he is clobbered.